You have heard people speak about the time they were fallen, speak about what it took to them to recover from a fall, speak about how they flew high after a fall, but rarely do you see people talk about what is going on when “Fallen”

I know why that is not done too, because I am “Fallen” at this point of time & it is like a dying person to speak about how they are feeling at that point. Imagine yourself in your deathbed and then imagine Arnab Goswami with a mic on your dying pale face and screaming at you “the nation wants to know on what is happening within your head right now?, common X… Common, I will not let you die without telling us what we want to know” Can you imagine your state of mind at that very minute.. I am sure you do.. That is exactly how it feels if you have to pen down your true thoughts when you are “Fallen”

So… I chose to write this blog exactly at a point when I can give up or realise that I can recover and find my wings to fly out of this position towards my goals.

I started my weight loss & “Fat to Fit” journey on 6th December 2020, until then I had tried everything under the sky, every support, every kind of coach and trainer and I would move around 5 to 10 kgs down and be back before I know it. This had been going on for almost 3 decades now. So, when Pandemic hit & I was left alone, I decided to take this upon me, that I will not die a “fat old lady” and would at least die a “fit old lady”… Today, almost 10 days away from marking my first year to this journey, I have touched my lowest, like I was this weight when I was in my teens.

I was positioned superbly well, an example for many middle aged woman to not just shed 30 kgs in a year but also shed 15 years off the looks too but then, something happened last week.

First it was a simple “food poisoning” then a week into recover, my periods and add to this was family, friends and people around all this mixed within my head and I see myself clearly off the grid… I see myself falling into a clear bottomless pit that will take me straight where I started or in the process, take me into my grave for good.

Let me first tell you the true experience of being fallen…

1. You don’t stop eating. There is no thinking towards what you consume. There is no stopping. You are either eating or thinking about what more to eat. You feel full, you don’t care. You feel disgusted, you like that feeling. It is like, you are feeling disgusted and instead of not knowing why, you at least give a reason to your feeling by stuffing your face.
2. You have a strong valid reason to miss workouts. Your health, your need to sleep, your work anything that keeps you away from the gym. Remember, it is just about telling yourself that you are down not because you did not do your workouts, you are down, because you could not do the workouts. That your work, health or sleep DID NOT ALLOW YOU TO DO YOUR WORKOUTS. That is the comfort space to be in
3. Every action done by people around you seem to push you deeper into your dark fallen space. If they do something that you did not like, great.. that is so perfect for you at this point, but if they do not, then you think about “how they could or would?” and feel equally miserable. This is like a cherry on the cake for you to stay fallen. It is not even your fault that you are where you are, it is the people or the challenges around you, keeping you in this fallen state.

Yeah, the above 3 things can take you to a place of no return. I am exactly there. It has been almost 10 days since I have done my routine workouts, diet & meditation. It feels like I am done. It feels like, this time, I would not find my wings. It feels like it is all over

Woke up to a news of a friend / business associate’s demise. He was in an auto traveling to the railway station to catch a train for a training session with students at a university. Had known him for almost 10 years now, he must have been in his late 60s. Few weeks back, I had got the news of a young friend in her late 20s pass away, had known her very closely for around 2 years but those couple of years left a life time impact to my heart. It took me a solid week to get my head straight again.

Today morning, with the news, I lay still in my bed, staring at the ceiling fan going round in circles in a pace that’s fixed with no start or finish. I am in my early 50s, something changes within us once you have crossed over to your 50s and above. You see life and death differently at this point.

For starters, what you had seen life as all these years seems of no use. You start to reckon your past as much as you can to influence the moment you are in. This is even more if you are living alone. You start reading into bits and pieces of the journey you have had that has got you to the moment you are in and on days when you hear a news of someone you have had a part of your journey with has moved on to the beyond, you start to re-collect the moments you have had with them, trying to give a meaning to everything you shared with them. Trying to make sure that your journey has more meaning to it. Trying to find a reason behind why you remain here and they don’t. Then comes the million dollar question, “Will I end in a similar manner?” This one question can make you re-think a lot of things that you are doing in the moment. At my age and my personality of getting after things, I start to implement those things that needs to change to align with the answer that I got for the way I want to be leaving my physical state from this world.

The fan never stops moving…

But, we can STOP. We cannot be those who have to keep moving till the very end. My father died working from the ICU, my friend today died in a rick trying to get to work. We need to stop. Stop to breathe in what is around us. We need to feel the life that we still have. So what if we earn a few bucks less, so what we leave few dreams incomplete, so what if we have unfinished responsibilities, so what if we fear for our loved ones, so what??? SO WHAT?? anyway, non of that is going to matter, when we are gone. Non of this is of any use, non of this will be taken along with us, non of the loved ones will tag along. NON OF THIS IS COMING ALONG…

So, stop… just stop and look around. run your life backwards. Lets design our end and work towards what it takes to make that happen. Let us work towards something we are sure to receive. Our Death… Let us welcome it in the exact form we want it in after all. Death is the only constant in our existence so why not plan it to its every detail and work our lives backwards to the moment we are in.

I plan to design my death in a form that I desire it to be in. Blogging on this to me means like me penning down my death just like how I would pen down my dreams for my personal and professional milestones.

So, here is how I wish for my “the end”:

• I wish to see my loved ones around me
• I wish to have impacted some people’s life for the better
• I wish to be self sufficient in every way
• I wish to have built the broken bridges with people until then
• I wish to not have fear during my last breath but a farewell smile
• I wish to die a healthy woman
• I wish to donate every bit of me after I am gone, like the skin, eyes, organs, every bit
• I wish to have a farewell gathering in my memory on the Marriott Goa Beach with Yellow & White roses theme
• I wish everyone who knew me close enough to be there & share their good and bad memories of me but do it with an authentic self, coz that is who I am, an authentic person
• I wish to walk away towards the light and open myself to everything that the beyond has to offer me

Death designed is not a sad or a negative thing to do. It is the most beautiful way to bid goodbye to a life lived. I know I am going to face those shocking looks when I walk into Marriott and do the payment for my post death gathering. I truly see my children loosing their shit on me for doing such things or writing about it or even thinking about it. I can imagine my friends thinking that I am giving up on life.

The fact is, I am not. I am making my life a total 100% till its very last. I am making the fan stop. I am looking at what this whole life in full, till its end going to be. I get the fact that whatever we plan, the reality could be different, but it is absolutely okay. As long as I do my bit and do a fair job of it, the rest is up to the universe to make it happen for me, my way…

“We cannot become what we want, by remaining what we are”

I really do not know why today, there was a message that I received in my heart, which said, you can now write your story the way you want it to be and I knew I was all ready for it. So, all that you know about me, all that you thought I was, maybe I was all that but starting today, this is who I am. Here below is my life’s story, a story that makes me who I am today and will go to become tomorrow.

But before I cross over, I have to just pass on few very important things that I realise, as I reach this point of my life.

• Parenthood is so much more than just giving birth to a child or giving them the right education & support system. As parents, emotional intelligence, your ability to take control of your feelings is what, your child will pick from you for the rest of their lives.
• Humans are deaf and dumb by choice. You cannot make them listen or speak anything, even if it is right for them. They will chose to do what they believe and think is right.
• There is nothing called women empowerment or equality. The women are as unsafe as they were years before. We are still seen as a piece of flesh that can be owned by anyone around.
• Relationships do not exist in this world. There is nothing called a family. There are people in your life, who give you the feeling of security, belonging and love. These people become our support systems & that we name it as family.
• There is a clear line between professional and personal life and we must draw that from the get go. Being passionate about your work does not mean, you let go of your personal needs. By doing that, you have chosen to give up on yourself.

My Story – Personal

Born and brought up in Bangalore, I have been a “girl from the small town” by heart and mind. I have been the one who loves mixing with strangers as if they were friends. This comes from the morning walks I would take in Cubbon Park with my father and we both would smile & greet, speak too, with strangers walking by.

This comes from the time my father would pick me from my convent school, drive up to the local “Lobo’s Cutlets” store, pack 6 of them (3 for him, 3 for me) and drive to the near by park, (Jayamahal Park) and have those cutlets, while he would tell me how his day was and I would do the same and then head back home, this we did for all my high school days (7th std to 10th std). So being in a routine was my thing.

I love doing the same thing over and over again and feeling safe and secure with the routine. So, marriage did not change me much, it just made me stronger person by becoming a mother of 3 at a very young age of 27. Things unfolded itself in a manner that somewhere in the journey I started believing I was unpredictable, I hated routines, I was not a nester and I was a giver. I am non of it. I love routines, I am complete 100% a nesting person. I love being predictable, I love receiving as much as I love giving. So, in simple, if you are just a taker, there is no place in my life for you. But, if you give as much as you want to receive, my heart opens as wide as my arms and I welcome you to this world of mine which is filled with love, warmth, care, comfort, happiness & equality. I cannot change this world, I have control over my world and in my world, what matters is your intention, you being a male or female, does not make any difference. You both will have the same pedestal.

My Story – Professional

Business runs in my DNA, but it is now that I have found the true meaning of good business. Just bringing in revenues or closing sales deals is not business. It is a small part of the whole deal. So, today, as a founder to my own business & a primary mentor to 100+ founders, I am the driving force towards bringing the results, when it comes to compliance, execution, business development, customer satisfaction & go to market strategies. My company, Startup Squares, is one of the very few platforms that supports its founders with all the above, execution support and keeps motivating them to move ahead.

Before Startup Squares, I was the key person to build the widest startup community in India, my initial entity was into events and community driven activities. When it failed, despite being invested upon, taught me zillion lessons on what not to do when you have investors approach you to put money on you. It is these lessons that I pass to my founders, with whom I work closely.

Before the community driven initiative, I have been the managing director of an R&D firm in automobile innovation company. Have worked with the patent office directly for some of the innovations and have a strong relationship even till date with engineering universities which we use to work with for our projects.

In simple, I come with a vast sector agnostic experience of supporting businesses to overcome their challenges and grow fast. You can call me an “Execution / Sales Expert.

Closing Note

It really does not matter, what it took to reach here. What is important is, I am here and there is so much more to come for me and for my circle of people & I am blessed to have had this journey and I am looking forward for all that is to come.

It has been a good 37 years that I have been dating my menstrual, periods, as we call it. Seen and been through it all is what I feel but there is so much more to understand and know. I was told during the training I got in my first month bleeding that one fine day, when I turn around 45 or so, this would stop, I would be free of it, I am still waiting to be free. I have moved well into my 50th year and am still going good. My menstrual dating is the most sturdy relationship I have had amongst all others.

So, let me give you a peak into my life that will give you a better understanding of how we are trained to not understand our body and menstrual system. So, if you are reading this, a girl can start these practices now and if you are a guy, it is even more important because you would be able to stand by your mother, sister, girl friend, friends and any female in your life in the most helpful way.

So, in 1983, when I got my periods for the first time, living in an anglo Indian populated locality (Benson Town, Bangalore), my father was considered the most rebellious in my traditional sunni muslim family, to not just send me to an English convent school but also to not keep me locked in a room for getting my periods. In fact, it was my father, I walked up to and told him that I was bleeding and the things started unfolding for me. The most scary thing that happened for me at that point of time was my grandmother coming with a cloth and a waist thread, asking me to tie it around my waist and use the cloth for my bleeding and an additional one in her hand, for me to wash and re-use. I still remember me stunned out of my guts on “why the fuck would I wash my blood of that cloth and re-use it on me?” every ounce inside me said to me that it was unhealthy, it was disgusting and I was not doing it. I remember I sat in the loo for the next 4 hours, not wanting to use the cloth or come out of there.

It was my father, who was actually called to take me out of the loo and I came outside, with that cloth tucked into my panties but not willing to re-use or continue doing that. I had weeped for hours, I was scared, I was alone and I was unaware of what was happening to me. I felt I was dying that day, That day, my father did something very brave, which even today, I think I love him so much for that. He held my hand and took me out, behind him, his mother-in-law, his wife, everyone kept yelling at him, for taking me out of the house, for not listening to them, for getting involved with the ladies stuff, but he paid little attention to them, he had only one person as his interest & it was me. He took me out of the house, drove me up to one of his friend who was an English man with an Indian wife living around Frazer Town. We did not say a word in the car. I went in and he told them the problem and the wife took me to the room and she gave me a sanitary pad. I looked at it with confusion. She pulled out one of her panties from the drawers, placed the pad on it and showed me how to use it. I went to the loo and did the same and when I returned, she sat me down and spoke to me for an hour. She told me about how I had to be careful about my body, about sex because now I could get pregnant and thereon she also added that I would have to respect the society that I was in and let the family do what they have to do.

That day when I walked out of that room, I hugged my dad and cried like a 4 year old toddler not wanting to leave the parent to be left in school. I knew nothing was to be the same again, but I believed he would be the same. He was my anchor. He drove me back with all the ground rules on how we together will handle the family monsters waiting for us at home, what would be my sos calls for him. What I will fight and what I will not. Also, from that month on wards, my sanitary pads were imported to India for the next 3-4 years till we could purchase it here easily. Let us choose to let go of the comments I have heard my mother & grand mother give my father, every time there would some financial crises, they would bring it up on how he was wasting money on my sanitary pads from abroad. (hahahah… yeah… abroad it was)

So, even today we know that cloths, are not healthy for us, that we cannot wash and reuse them for our periods. You know it too, so don’t give in for any thing. I am sure not many who read here would be using cloths, but I have in my connections, who live in rural India and many living in urban India but are mentally backward when it comes to family pressure, do not let that affect this decision of yours. It is your body & your choice to be healthy about it

I was married at 17 but I was already labelled with a legacy that I was conceived after 15 years of marriage and that meant, that from the first month, my in-laws, my mother and her mother with my aunts all feared that I had it in my genes to not have a baby, so the moment I was married, the family prayers were initiated and within a year, I was being taken to a gynaecologist for treatments to get pregnant. Funny how it is that my newly married husband was not ever asked to be tested. Anyway, coming back to us, I was induced with hormones and all kind of medications for conceiving. At the age of 19 years, my periods and the menstrual cycle was being fucked royally by doctors and family members expectations. Fast forward by 6 years from then, I was a mother of 3 but a body system that was so messed up that I had very heavy flow, month on month, cramps that would kill me for the first 2 days & let us not talk much about the emotional breakdowns, binge eating. I had touched 112 kgs, looked like an over stuffed cabbage and had no control over my reactions of anything that was just a bit challenging. I was just going on with it, we kind of settle into our miseries as well after some time. I was by now a very strong believer that my body type was obese, I was an emotional chaos as a person and I would die a “Fat old lady”.

So, here I am, a question mark to the same people who once believed and did the things that they did, not just to me, but to every girl that is born in the family & strangely they still continue to influence the younger generations, who are willing to abide with elderly advice. I was a rebel then, I am bloody well now.

Today, I am on the path of reaching my weight goal of 65 kgs, loosing a good 3kgs / month, I get my periods on time, I don’t get heavy flow, I workout even on day 1 & 2, I don’t binge eat, I am not an emotional reck, I meditate, I read, listen to music, I do all that, that makes me feel special, especially during those 5 days, I am everything what a woman is and I am very proud of being that.

But what the ladies of the family don’t understand is, how my body seems to not be closing in to a menopause, how I still get the 4 day heavy flow and 6 day periods on the exact date, monthly, how I do not get the cramps anymore, how I can be sexually active and desiring when I am suppose to be preparing myself for the menopause. So, It is a beautiful journey to understand your body, to speak with it and to relate your existence with your body and soul and lead a healthy life till you are in it. So what if we are the women, the humans that bleed once a month, let us bleed with pride & lead with health and love.

Things that I would request all women to do without fail from today

1. Do your bit of daily physical activities (walks, run, exercise or just stretch)
2. Eat less & healthy (just stop on oil, sweets, carbs & packaged stuff)
3. Have safe sex (use condoms, even with husband / boyfriend)
4. Spend 1 hr daily to do what you love doing (not children, family or even friend, JUST YOUR choice)
5. Maintain a calm mindset at all times (no challenge is worth your peace of mind)

No child is born with a personality trait. We grow to become our own kind and most of the times, the personality traits are adopted from people around. You take every act of theirs as yours and soon, even before you realise, it starts to define you.

Ms Strong is labelled in many ways, most often, the reason is herself. She does not compromise, she is emotional, she gets stuck with what she want from relationships, she focuses on herself more than she does on others, her dreams are her priorities, she stands tall, she rises above and she keeps going.

Mr. Right most often do not arrive for us, the Ms. Strong kinds…

The First – Expectations to keep his family satisfied was to be her only aim in life. He was clear that he needed someone who cared, who understood, who was obedient and who was limited enough to find her happiness in his needs. Ms. Strong moves on, she wanted to be heard too…

The Second – A true believer in loving unconditionally but limited. Never wanted to be known or seen. Believed in walking the full mile but as a shadow. Never wanted to confront or take his rights and also give some to her as well. Experienced every joy, every moment and every challenge with her but within a story behind “hidden doors”. Ms. Strong moves on, she needed to be seen, hidden doors are not for her…

The Third – A true shining star, a royal prince riding a white horse, sweeps her off her feet even before she realises it. He makes sense, he sounds just correct, he says the right things, looks so perfect. He is magical and he uses his magical powers to get to her soul and takes away every bit of her existence. All she is left with are pieces of those broken self as he rides away into the clouds exactly like he had arrived. Ms. Strong moves on, this time for her existence…

The Fourth – It had taken mountains to find herself back. But, Phoenix rises from the ashes, so had she and this time, she wanted it right, she wanted to do it the traditional way. She starts to look for him in the most traditional way she could and she finds him and he seems to love her with her scars. Not very soon does she realises that he was her imagination coming to life. He was a mirage. His presence made her see what she could never get. Ms. Strong moves on, existing in “no hope” zone is not her thing

The Fifth – He seems just the one. He is truthful, he sets his limitations, he expresses his conditional love upfront. She accepts it all, she feels safe but just for a little while. Once again, she notices the cracks, the missing bricks within the walls put in place. Important pieces that defines trust and faith. Ms. Strong moves on, she knows by now, a relationship with missing pieces will leave her broken sooner than later

Then all Rest – Ms. Strong’s personality super shines, the aura around her existence is worth a million dreams and men love dreaming even though they lack the ability to fight for them. So, every second day brings a new arrival of “HIM”, who seems to say the right things but then, Ms. Strong is already moved on for all of them and the ones to come. She chooses herself, she decides for what she is, she is ready to stand tall by herself and be proud of it. She knows to take care of her needs, desires and dreams.

She believes that Mr. Right is in the making, she still listens to loves songs, she still cries watching chick flicks and she looks with cupid eyes at the stars, but nothing within her feels weak, feels left out, feels incomplete or feels any less than who she really is.

Why do most of the people have tears in their eyes, feel as if time stopped at the moment when they have achieved something that they have worked really hard for, for a long time? those of you who have experienced it at least once in your life, will know what I mean. If you have not, then, you surely need to want something badly in your life, what’s life without the experience of bursting emotions as you stand achieving a goal. 

I asked myself when was it I felt this way? It was not the best day of my life but it was the most important day of my life, because that day changed me forever. The Salma people new before DemoDay 2018 was dead that day. 

Frankly, I am a very emotional person, so I can recall many small achievements that has got me to tears, but one such moment I remember of being there, when I cried like a baby, laughed with tears rolling down my cheeks and felt my knees go weak is when I had completed the 2018 Demo Day, our annual event that was taken up as a mammoth of the task. Post the completion of the event with 5000 attendees, when the curtains closed, I went through the whole emotional roller coaster ride. But why not, that was the final moment of something that had me going through the worst phase of my life. 

It was around this time in 2018, it was decided to go for an annual event this big and I made it my life’s mission to achieve it. That is where the journey began, as time kept moving ahead, plans became useless, bills kept piling, monies did not show up, expectations started rising, anger & disappointment was all I got, loneliness and desperation was all that I had left, every day added a few lakhs of liabilities on the company & myself, I lost my own share holding of the company to someone who came in showing that they care, one week ahead of the event & I was still going on, still running helter skelter with no care what so ever for my well being, life or any sensibility to my actions, all I wanted was to wrap this event, end what was started 6 months back and once done so, if that would go to become the last day I am alive, I was okay to take it with open arms. 

So when finally the moment arrived, I had done the impossible, I stood there at KTPO and looked around, I saw that I had done it, “India’s largest Startup Event” but from where I stood, I saw lost friendships, broken relationships, pending liabilities, disrespectful employees and a scary life ahead. I forgot how to breathe after that, I could not stand, I collapsed on the back door staircase and I needed a hug, a hand but I got an associate, standing guard at a distance looking out to see if no one comes that way. 

But I wanted to scream & cry, I wanted my breath back, I wanted to live and I wanted my life back from the clutches of DemoDay2018. It took me 700 days after that to get a grip on myself, on my life, on my professional & personal journey. But it was totally worth the effort. What I found within me in these past 2 years, has empowered  me to a level that it is rare to find, it has made me strong in ways I never thought I could ever be. So, I can say with pride that I survived through these last 2 years and found the best version of myself as I touch my 50th Birthday in the next 35 days.. 

So, today I tell you, go for the big one, reach your rock bottom to find your best version and fall in love with yourself all over again.. Diamonds do get formed deep within the earth.. ❤️