Woke up to a news of a friend / business associate’s demise. He was in an auto traveling to the railway station to catch a train for a training session with students at a university. Had known him for almost 10 years now, he must have been in his late 60s. Few weeks back, I had got the news of a young friend in her late 20s pass away, had known her very closely for around 2 years but those couple of years left a life time impact to my heart. It took me a solid week to get my head straight again.
Today morning, with the news, I lay still in my bed, staring at the ceiling fan going round in circles in a pace that’s fixed with no start or finish. I am in my early 50s, something changes within us once you have crossed over to your 50s and above. You see life and death differently at this point.
For starters, what you had seen life as all these years seems of no use. You start to reckon your past as much as you can to influence the moment you are in. This is even more if you are living alone. You start reading into bits and pieces of the journey you have had that has got you to the moment you are in and on days when you hear a news of someone you have had a part of your journey with has moved on to the beyond, you start to re-collect the moments you have had with them, trying to give a meaning to everything you shared with them. Trying to make sure that your journey has more meaning to it. Trying to find a reason behind why you remain here and they don’t. Then comes the million dollar question, “Will I end in a similar manner?” This one question can make you re-think a lot of things that you are doing in the moment. At my age and my personality of getting after things, I start to implement those things that needs to change to align with the answer that I got for the way I want to be leaving my physical state from this world.
The fan never stops moving…
But, we can STOP. We cannot be those who have to keep moving till the very end. My father died working from the ICU, my friend today died in a rick trying to get to work. We need to stop. Stop to breathe in what is around us. We need to feel the life that we still have. So what if we earn a few bucks less, so what we leave few dreams incomplete, so what if we have unfinished responsibilities, so what if we fear for our loved ones, so what??? SO WHAT?? anyway, non of that is going to matter, when we are gone. Non of this is of any use, non of this will be taken along with us, non of the loved ones will tag along. NON OF THIS IS COMING ALONG…
So, stop… just stop and look around. run your life backwards. Lets design our end and work towards what it takes to make that happen. Let us work towards something we are sure to receive. Our Death… Let us welcome it in the exact form we want it in after all. Death is the only constant in our existence so why not plan it to its every detail and work our lives backwards to the moment we are in.
I plan to design my death in a form that I desire it to be in. Blogging on this to me means like me penning down my death just like how I would pen down my dreams for my personal and professional milestones.
So, here is how I wish for my “the end”:
- I wish to see my loved ones around me
- I wish to have impacted some people’s life for the better
- I wish to be self sufficient in every way
- I wish to have built the broken bridges with people until then
- I wish to not have fear during my last breath but a farewell smile
- I wish to die a healthy woman
- I wish to donate every bit of me after I am gone, like the skin, eyes, organs, every bit
- I wish to have a farewell gathering in my memory on the Marriott Goa Beach with Yellow & White roses theme
- I wish everyone who knew me close enough to be there & share their good and bad memories of me but do it with an authentic self, coz that is who I am, an authentic person
- I wish to walk away towards the light and open myself to everything that the beyond has to offer me
Death designed is not a sad or a negative thing to do. It is the most beautiful way to bid goodbye to a life lived. I know I am going to face those shocking looks when I walk into Marriott and do the payment for my post death gathering. I truly see my children loosing their shit on me for doing such things or writing about it or even thinking about it. I can imagine my friends thinking that I am giving up on life.
The fact is, I am not. I am making my life a total 100% till its very last. I am making the fan stop. I am looking at what this whole life in full, till its end going to be. I get the fact that whatever we plan, the reality could be different, but it is absolutely okay. As long as I do my bit and do a fair job of it, the rest is up to the universe to make it happen for me, my way…
You truly are an amazing and totally inspiring woman salma . You have lived life on your in terms , inspire of all the crap thrown at you . And it’s my honor to know you .
I think it’s really beautiful the way you have spoken about life and death . Wouldn’t want it any other way ❤️