Fallen… Is it over this time?

You have heard people speak about the time they were fallen, speak about what it took to them to recover from a fall, speak about how they flew high after a fall, but rarely do you see people talk about what is going on when “Fallen”

I know why that is not done too, because I am “Fallen” at this point of time & it is like a dying person to speak about how they are feeling at that point. Imagine yourself in your deathbed and then imagine Arnab Goswami with a mic on your dying pale face and screaming at you “the nation wants to know on what is happening within your head right now?, common X… Common, I will not let you die without telling us what we want to know” Can you imagine your state of mind at that very minute.. I am sure you do.. That is exactly how it feels if you have to pen down your true thoughts when you are “Fallen”

So… I chose to write this blog exactly at a point when I can give up or realise that I can recover and find my wings to fly out of this position towards my goals.

I started my weight loss & “Fat to Fit” journey on 6th December 2020, until then I had tried everything under the sky, every support, every kind of coach and trainer and I would move around 5 to 10 kgs down and be back before I know it. This had been going on for almost 3 decades now. So, when Pandemic hit & I was left alone, I decided to take this upon me, that I will not die a “fat old lady” and would at least die a “fit old lady”… Today, almost 10 days away from marking my first year to this journey, I have touched my lowest, like I was this weight when I was in my teens.

I was positioned superbly well, an example for many middle aged woman to not just shed 30 kgs in a year but also shed 15 years off the looks too but then, something happened last week.

First it was a simple “food poisoning” then a week into recover, my periods and add to this was family, friends and people around all this mixed within my head and I see myself clearly off the grid… I see myself falling into a clear bottomless pit that will take me straight where I started or in the process, take me into my grave for good.

Let me first tell you the true experience of being fallen…

1. You don’t stop eating. There is no thinking towards what you consume. There is no stopping. You are either eating or thinking about what more to eat. You feel full, you don’t care. You feel disgusted, you like that feeling. It is like, you are feeling disgusted and instead of not knowing why, you at least give a reason to your feeling by stuffing your face.
2. You have a strong valid reason to miss workouts. Your health, your need to sleep, your work anything that keeps you away from the gym. Remember, it is just about telling yourself that you are down not because you did not do your workouts, you are down, because you could not do the workouts. That your work, health or sleep DID NOT ALLOW YOU TO DO YOUR WORKOUTS. That is the comfort space to be in
3. Every action done by people around you seem to push you deeper into your dark fallen space. If they do something that you did not like, great.. that is so perfect for you at this point, but if they do not, then you think about “how they could or would?” and feel equally miserable. This is like a cherry on the cake for you to stay fallen. It is not even your fault that you are where you are, it is the people or the challenges around you, keeping you in this fallen state.

Yeah, the above 3 things can take you to a place of no return. I am exactly there. It has been almost 10 days since I have done my routine workouts, diet & meditation. It feels like I am done. It feels like, this time, I would not find my wings. It feels like it is all over